His heart yearns for me?

Normally, if I were my old self, I’d want to start out a blog site with lots of positive and encouraging posts so that you all think I am happy, kind, and a loving-life type of person.  I do tend to be more optimistic than pessimistic, however, if I were to be honest about my life currently, I could not give you this impression.

What does my life seem to consist of lately?

1. exhaustion, even when I have enough sleep
2.  learning to deal with conflict (and it not happening the way I’d like)
3.  coming face to face with just how selfish, judgmental, and un-loving I can really be (SICK)
4.  being overwhelmed by the things that I want/need to change in my life, and wanting them to change NOW
5.  Feeling unmotivated to clean out my car, basement, blah blah blah

Today I woke up just ANGRY with how my own sin is affecting me and sucking   the   life   out of me.  At work, I thought of the image of the guy just beating his chest, repenting of his sin.  I was frustrated with myself and others, wishing I could undo the things I’ve done.  Nope, there was not room for me to see grace and forgiveness in this.  So it was a long day.

But then, this evening…God used Jeremiah 31 to speak his heart toward me:

(Ephraim said) “Restore me, and I will return, because you are the Lord my God.  After I strayed, I repented; after I came to understand, I beat my breast.  I was ashamed and humiliated because I bore the disgrace of my youth.”

“Is not Ephraim my dear son, the child in whom I delight?  Though I often speak against him, I still remember him.  Therefore my heart yearns for him; I have great compassion for him, declares the Lord.”  v.18b-20

Woah.  That is my God.  His heart yearns for me and he has great compassion on me.  I will be ok.

How are you doing today?  How do you deal with crap in your life?



5 thoughts on “His heart yearns for me?”

  1. Exhausted … in conflict … discouraged … overwhelmed … unmotivated … angry … life being sucked out of you … even though you’re normally an optimist?

    I hope this does not tick you off, but I’m going to suggest a possibility, Katy.

    I’ve never met you but I have met people who suffer from mild clinical depression and the symptoms you describe mirror theirs exactly. Depression affects all kinds of people, even apparently including some of the biblical prophets. It can strike when life is going well or poorly; when you’re “in sin” or when you’re trying your best to please God.

    Be kind to yourself. Allow for the possibility that your dark mood has a biological or psychological cause rather than a spiritual one. You might consider asking a doctor what he or she thinks.

    It’s just a thought. I hate to see an optimistic, caring young woman who’s in her first serious relationship (as you described in your opening post) sidelined by depression. It’s so unnecessary.

    Take care, Katy.

    1. Thank you so very much for your concern and kind words. I appreciate you caring for me. You know what? I am actually very familiar with depression, so it comes as no surprise that I’m experiencing what I am. However, I do believe my “depressive” state yesterday was rather situational. (and to be quite honest, I tend to be mellow-dramatic, as well) But I knew little to nothing about depression until it brought me home a month early, just this last year, from a year-long stint/mission trip in France.

      It’s especially interesting that you commented today, as I was just reading my journals from that dark time in my life. I was thinking today that I may be inspired to write about that season of my life and how I continue to learn and grow from it. Maybe it could even offer some hope or healing for others. Or maybe even healing for myself.


    2. And I also am a firm believer in the biological and psychological causes of depression, which is why I take medication. :) Again, thank you kindly for your comment and encouragement.

      1. I’m glad that you’re already taking care of yourself as I hoped you would.

        Yes, definitely write about your time in France! International travel is so full of surprises. I’m sure I’m not the only one of your readers who would enjoy hearing about it.

  2. Hrm, perhaps its not a matter of changing yourself but how you see yourself. Your five points, or at least the first four, is life for most people. The impression you give is a reflection of your strength. If people were ‘honest’, according to context above, we’d all walk around like stinky, crusty old dish rags :). That’s just gross :D. From what I’ve experienced, you’re an encouraging person.

    In point three you mention three things that about yourself that upset you. Only one, the last one, is a real issue because we are commanded to love. This is hard and I’m working on it myself :). Society tells us, or religion rather, that being selfish is wrong. But the Bible never tells us being selfish is wrong. The problem is selfishness without love, that is the key there :). Realistically, everybody is selfish and you should take care of yourself first, or you won’t be able to properly minister to other people with your life. More plainly, its called self-abuse and is a form of oppression. I hope you understand what I am saying.

    Also, being judgmental is not a bad thing. Being judgmental without love is. See, the key is love :). Gen 1:28 gives us the authority, among other things, to judge. In judgment, we must understand our responsibility. If we don’t understand our responsibility, we will abuse our authority which is the root problem. I could go into more detail if you like, but I hope you understand.

    What is your understanding of sin? Perhaps we should talk about this more. There are a lot of things we think are sin that really aren’t. The gravity of how we feel about sin is another issue.

    Its just my opinion, but I think it would be more beneficial to work on how you see yourself first. Then a lot of things you think you need to change will no longer be an issue because you’re realize its not a matter of right and wrong but a social expectation placed upon you in your youth. I went through this dilemma once in my life and thank God I figured out that the base problem was how I see myself.

give yourself a voice...

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