I’ll share about my adventure to France soon, but for now am going to share a bit of something else…
So I’ve now been in a relationship with a guy I very much admire for 7 months. 7 months. This is very much a first for me. Lately, I’ve been spending (too much) time thinking about relationships (of the romantic type) and what the purpose is in them. I would say that our first couple of months dating went pretty smoothly. This may be what some would call the “honeymoon” phase. However, since then, I feel like I am often blown away at how crazy I can be.
As Christians, we believe that as we continue to grow with God, we will be tranformed and become more and more like Him and more and more like the true version of ourselves. But in my own life, this does NOT look the way I think it should or wished it did. It seems like I get worse before I get better. It seems like I am becoming more capable of wickedness. Am I really becoming more sinful?
There have been times when I have snapped at Paul and said things I never thought would come out of my mouth. When I shared this with my French friend the other day, she was shocked. She said, “but you are such a nice person.” HAHA. Some may say that this is a sign that I should not be in this relationship. Now, I am not saying that because of this I know I should be in this relationship; However, I DO know that leaving a relationship is not going to take away the wickedness I am so capable of.
“For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.” Luke 6:45b
Is it possible that God wants to use relationships to surface the ugliness in our hearts? I mean, how will my heart be transformed if I just avoid or ignore the wickedness inside of me? If I avoid the very situations/relationships that reveal what’s in my heart?
If for no other reason, I truly believe God is using my relationship to give me a tangible taste of His grace at a human level. But then… much more incredible is it (grace) when received from the perfect and holy God. How great is the PERFECT LOVE and GRACE the Father has lavished on me that He would call me his daughter.
No, I do not believe I am becoming more sinful. But the more I get to know God, the more I get to know myself. The evil tendencies in me are nothing new, they are just new to me. I believe facing this is a beautiful step towards freedom!
An excerpt from my devotional today:
“Pause before responding to people or situations, giving My Spirit space to act through you. Hasty words and actions leave no room for Me; this is atheistic living. I want to inhabit all your moments–gracing your thoughts, words, and behavior.” -Sarah Young, “Jesus Calling”
I want that.