This post may seem strange. I haven’t written in a long time. I keep saying I’ve had no particular inspiration. I’m not really sure. Anyways…
So serious question. How important it is to be “fun?” What do you think? This may seem like a very trivial question…but let me tell you the role it’s played in my life…
At some point in my life, I began believing that being a “fun” person (and don’t even ask me to define that) was important. Think about those extroverted people you know. The “life of the party” types…the ones that are funny and know it and make others laugh, lighten up, and have a good time. You know those people draw a crowd…people like them. That’s true…and that’a great. However, at some point in my life I began to idolize this type of person. Actually, I began to idolize something they had…so many people liking them…wanting to be around them…wait…what I idolized was the satisfaction, acceptance, and approval I believed they received…
The obvious conclusion is to try to be one of these people…because then the people will like me…and then I’ll be accepted and approved of and feel satisfied. Who cares if this isn’t who I actually am…I’ll just become it. (Gag me with a spoon.)
I submit to you that this type of thinking in my life led to a certain type of living…and I became good at it. Really good at it. A pro. Trust me, it wasn’t easy, but it was what I lived for.
I’d carefully climbed and mastered the mountain called “self-creation” for years and years. It was familiar. It was routine. In fact…it was my life. I didn’t know I was on a mountain, because it was all I’d ever known. Eventually, I’d reached a peak, and this peak seemed to be one of purpose and direction. Having reached it filled me with a sense of identity and worth. But after some time of relishing in this discovery, something happened. I began to slip. For a while the decline wasn’t too intense…I could still see the top and grabbed onto whatever I might to keep from falling further. But eventually, this slip was unlike other falls I’d taken. I wasn’t sure why. I didn’t see this coming. I tried to cry for help, but what would I say? What would they think? What was happening?…I thought I knew what I was doing…my grip grew weak, and eventually I lost it. I began sliding, tumbling…the hill became steeper, and soon I could see no way back and no sign of where I had fallen from. As I fell, I could see nothing but flashes of scenes from my entire life playing and replaying in front of me…and I kept thinking, “what was this? who was I? what have I done with my life?” But then I heard another voice responding with, “you’re no fun. you’ve done nothing with your life. you have no personality. you’re a nobody.” I could hear nothing but these voices as my body finally hit the bottom. I couldn’t move. I just stayed there, playing and replaying the words in my head…over and over and over…
This, my friends, was the the darkest place my mind and soul had ever been. I had no idea where I was…I’d never been there before, and saw no way out. Just beginning to move out of this deep, deep valley took many months. It wasn’t my strength that moved me (and continues to). I couldn’t. I never could. I can’t.
I will write some more on this later. Because there is so much hope. And SO MUCH FREEDOM. Some of it I’ve experienced, but much I am still discovering and awaiting.
“You have redeemed my soul from the pit of emptiness,
You have redeemed my soul from death.
I was a hungry child
A dried up river
I was a burned out forest
And no one could do anything for me
But You put food in my body
And water in my dried bed
And to my blackened branches
You brought the springtime
Green of new life
And nothing is impossible for You.”