I’m not entirely sure what I want to write about yet, which is often the case. Then, I usually just start writing…
I just had a big ole swear session with God. I don’t say that too sound all edgy, it’s just reality. I’m not much for using swear words, but sometimes if I want to be completely honest, then some pretty nasty things can come out from within me. Some people think that this is no way to speak with a Holy God. I beg to differ. Maybe I’m wrong (that wouldn’t be the first time), but from what I understand, God wants all of me and he wants the real me. If nasty crap is what I’m feelin’, he knows it, so I feel like the safest place to express that is with him.
Plus, as I’ve been trying to do this more lately, things have been different in my life. I wouldn’t say that I’ve had this crazy high, “I’m feelin’ God all the time” type o change. However, I have seen good fruit beginning to grow in my life. Fruit that I’ve never truly experienced before, but had no idea. What fruit? Peace, confidence (in who I am), security, joy, …
For as long as I can remember, I’ve lived with some sense of anxiety (lack of peace), self-hatred (lack of confidence), and insecurity. I never always felt this way, but how I was doing was determined by how I thought others were perceiving me, judging me, liking me, etc. It became a terrible way to live and led to severe depression.
Little did I know that although I had the message of God’s grace memorized (whatever that even means) and had “received” his grace for my salvation, etc., I had never truly and tangibly experienced the grace of God in my life. It almost brings me to tears as I write those words, because I am so in awe of how real grace has touched me. And I’m also so so sad for the many Christians who have not tasted it and have no idea. (I imagine it’s not just me.)
I’m in a small group with some other women. It’s not with a church. It’s not real “normal,” or at least is like nothing I’ve known before. It’s here that I’ve begun to know what grace really is and what it can do in my life. It’s in this environment, this community, that I feel more free than ever to just “be.” I’ve never experienced anything so real. Maybe that’s a bit what hanging out with Jesus would be like.
The message of grace, if it’s only words, doesn’t do much to truly set a person free. Sure we can figuratively speak of freedom based on our understanding of grace. But this has nothing to do with actually being set free by grace. That’s something entirely different. It’s not a one moment, overnight thing. It’s a process. At least that what it is for me.
I know this all seems super vague. I think I’d like to write about more specifics of what this grace community and life can look like. I’m not sure how I’ll do that just yet. It’s pretty new to me, too.
In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you. Any thoughts, questions, concerns, etc. Feel free to push back!