*announcement: If you’re interested, CHECK OUT the Haiti Bloggers icon on the right of my blog. Sarah Bessey, one of the bloggers I follow, is going to Haiti with a group of others bloggers… (click the icon to learn more)
So I’ve talked a lot about this new “journey toward freedom, healing, etc.” that I’ve been on. It’s not just a figurative, pretty sounding set of words. It’s real, but generally it’s difficult to put into words. That’s probably because the desire (for me and probably others) is that life would be black and white…formulaic. Of course, when I actually type that out, it sounds terribly robotic and boring. But let’s be honest…it’s much easier to trust in an A, B, C step by step plan than to trust in a mysterious God who will move us along at his own pace into the life of freedom and healing he has planned.
Anyways, the real point of this post…
It seems that in the past few days my eyes have been opened to more specifics about who I am and who I am not. It’s really weird when I find myself evaluating a situation and realize…”I didn’t even want to do that…or I didn’t even want to talk about that…” And then the question becomes….then why were you??
You see, I think that many of us live and act in ways that, if we were living in the freedom of our true character…or as some might put it, “being true to ourselves”….then our lives really would look different.
Here’s the current example in my own life. I feel like, in general, people who know me well have seen me as a talkative person. I’m beginning to wonder if this is a good descriptive word for me. This may seem silly and insignificant, but I believe it’s not. Lately, I’ve actually stopped myself in conversations, realizing that I don’t even want to be talking on and on about whatever I’m talking about. I shared in a previous post that I really like being understood. Actually, I hate being misunderstood. I hate being misunderstood so much so, that I will exhaust myself trying to explain things to people, just because I want them to GET ME. Sure, I think it’s healthy to have a couple of people I can trust, that I can share most anything with. But for years, I’ve done this with almost anyone…or at least with anyone whom I desperately want to win the approval of. I have this deep rooted insecurity that can make me act in ways that aren’t really me. It’s really quite sick.
I think that people often see me as being very vulnerable and open. And maybe that’s part of it. Buuuuuut here’s what’s more of it: I can be selfish, careless, and crazy quick to speak when it’s probably the last thing that would honor my own heart, another’s heart, and God. I can tend to throw around my emotions, my personal experiences, and the deep things of my heart as if I OWE it to anyone and everyone. Something in me has believed this lie: if I don’t offer all of me to someone, then they can’t fully know me, and they can’t truly and fully accept me, therefore, I will not be significant and I will not be okay.
WOW. So how does God respond to me in this…does he shame me for being selfish and for wanting the approval of others? NO. He reminds me of how sacred the deepest parts of my heart are. That he wants to protect that sensitive, vulnerable, and beautiful aspect of me. He wants me to treat those parts of me as sacred, using wisdom and sensitivity in who I offer them to.
WHAT?! Like…I’m not sure I’ve really done that….ever.
I have no idea if this verse, in context, can actually apply, but it is what God brought to my mind and he’s using it…
Matthew 7:6 “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.”
Know that your heart, the wellspring of life, and the passions, desires, hurts, pains, and joys therein, are sacred. They are beautiful. Be careful with whom you offer them. I really didn’t know this truth before, but I want to believe it and let it change me. I want to stop living and speaking on impulse, betraying my true self, in an effort to win people over. I want to learn what means to be quick to listen and slow to speak. Cheers.