more on relationships

sooooooo…I didn’t mean to go rogue on all forms of preparation for dating, marriage, and relationships of that sort. (as it may seem in my previous post) Of course it’s wonderful and wise to read what other experienced people have to say… and to think through your desires, hopes, and values.  And if you really want to make a list of the things you want in a spouse, that may be okay for you.  But here is the thing…

We must hold these things loosely.  If we cling to them, God can’t remove them, change them, grow them as He pleases.  If we cling to them, we are trying to control.  We must bring these hopes, desires, values, and plans to God, leaving room for the Spirit to work and move.

Though we can glean wisdom and advice from others, it rarely will apply in the exact same way to us.  We are unique and so let’s allow God to teach us what is looks like to live out of our unique identity within our relationships.  YEAH.

Anyway, I’ve discussed the importance of living in reality on this blog a lot in the past.  I’ve talked about idealists and how they can tend to be dreamers and if left unchecked, may start to live a bit “out of reality.”  However, when it comes to relationships, there seems to be a phase in which many people (I would never say all) can tend to live a little out-of-touch with reality.  You can push back on this, because I’m sure it doesn’t apply to everyone.  BUT, many people refer to this stage of a relationships as the “honeymoon stage.”

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, that’s kind of funny but totally okay.  It may look a little something like:

“I’m dating this guy and I’m just so excited and get butterflies whenever he calls or texts.  I feel like I could just hang out with him all the time and be happy.  I’m totally on cloud 9.  Did you see the way he just touched his hair?  *sigh*  He can do no wrong.  My dreams have come true…”

oooooooook.  So some of that may have been a stretch, but then again…maybe not.   But is IS generally true that at the beginning of a relationship, there are heightened feelings and emotions that will not and can not last (at least not non-stop).  However, SO OFTEN do people forget this, deny this, or just don’t believe it.  I think even logical people who know about the “honeymoon stage,” can get lost in their emotions and forget that this is not the “norm”…that this is not forever.  **And this isn’t a bad thing…and I’m sure there will still be great feelings and emotions…like I said..just not all the time.

I’m sure a psych person could explain this better.  I think much of this has to do with our brains and certain chemical responses…probably much like what happens when people become addicted to drugs, alcohol, etc.  The “high” only lasts so long and eventually…more and more of the substance is needed to produce the high, which of course leads to destruction and total unhealthy living.   Do you see how this can happen with a person, too?  Do you see how a person might think that in order to get the “feelings” back they need more and more of the person??  yikes!  Unfortunately, I know this all too well, because I’m a classic recovering co-dependent*.

So when two people are in a relationship and are totally relishing in the lovey dovey, happy sappy feelings that naturally come…if they have no idea what to expect or how the relationship WILL change over time, then it really could be the beginning of the end.  That may sound extreme, and of course there is always hope, no matter how messed up and unhealthy a relationship becomes, but it will be difficult.

In a sense then, I guess I am saying that it actually IS important to think ahead and be aware of what are some realistic expectations for yourself and the person you are dating, in hopes of having an ongoing healthy relationship beyond the amazing honeymoon phase.        

I’m pretty sure that most of what we learn is REALLY learned in practice, but I definitely wish I had known even a bit of what I know now….sooner.

More to come…

*co-de·pen·dent or co·de·pen·dent –  Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way…

Cheers!

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