I sometimes wonder if the impression people get when they read my blog is that I’ve really got my shit together. If that happens to be the case, you’ve been so totally deceived. HA. I laugh to myself at the thought. I don’t need you to know all of the intricacies and details of my personal life, but the last thing I’d want to be telling you is that I’m all put together. If I were to believe that to be true, then there’d be no more room for growth and further healing.
I suppose I purposely try to be careful in choosing what I expose of my life. This is because, until recently, I didn’t see the details of my life as valuable and something to be cherished. I paraded them around thinking I owed it (to whom, I don’t know) to share them with others…that it was the only way for me to be “real.” …
…I thought that if I didn’t offer all of me, then I couldn’t really be known, and if I wasn’t fully known, than I couldn’t truly be loved. How sad of a lie this is. That I served my heart and soul on a platter, without much regard to whom was seeing and receiving it. This is tragic. So I want to learn to cherish the intimate parts of me, seeing them as beautiful and a gift to be given with much thought as to whom will receive what. Do you look at yourself this way? Do you know this is true?
What’s ironic is that I was so far from being real in my efforts to “not hold back”…I didn’t even know what being real meant and that I was not. I would just frantically talk, nervously filling space, hoping to somehow become known…but I didn’t know myself.
Just because I talk about things I’m learning does not mean I am not a mess. But maybe being healthy does not mean getting rid of the mess? I’m a mess. Maybe part of becoming healthy is actually learning to let myself be the mess that I am…to see it and then give myself the grace to be in it, because it’s my current reality.
But really, you might be shocked with how often I say and do things that I know aren’t right…that I know are rooted in my pain, dysfunction, fear of abandonment, etc….things I do in an effort to try to control my feelings, rather than just recognizing they are there …they are real…and allowing myself to sit in them. I still OFTEN choose to make my mess more massively chaotic, rather than just letting it be. This journey is so full of baby steps and ups and down. It is always in so much need of grace. I am always in so much need of grace…all the time grace.