to read the intro to this post, please click here, “I am nothing and jesus is everything?”
But what I didn’t realize was that nothing had changed…at the very core of who I believed myself to be…I was that same little girl. A girl with insecurity and low self-esteem at the core of my being, and this didn’t change when I “accepted Christ.”
The wounded little girl inside…the girl who had learned what to say, think, and do in her fleeting attempts to find love and acceptance…she was still there, and she was still hurting, and she was still starving for love and acceptance. She’d heard the message of Jesus…it clicked in her head…but these wounds needed attention, they needed grace, and healing, and Jesus, she was unaware…
She kept doing and saying the things that seemed right..that seemed acceptable. Much like before, but now with a “Religious-flavor.” She learned the right answers…”Jesus,” “grace through faith,” “repentance and faith,” “see and confess,”…
She knew the things to do: accountability, quiet times, Bible studies, sharing her faith…
But then there came the shame, feelings of never being enough, needing to try harder…where were these coming from? Where is the grace and the freedom? Why isn’t the message of Jesus making a difference in this?
But she was so good at hiding. So good at silencing herself. If others were willing to talk, then she didn’t have to. She could just hide in the shadows, where she felt safe and secure…
Jesus looked at me and saw a little girl with deep wounds. Deep longings. Deep needs. And he wept.
Until one day this little girl’s life led her into a darkness and a despair that she could no longer bear. In desperation, she finally asked for help. She asked for help and something slowly began to change. She found out that Jesus was weeping…that he had been weeping…that he had wept all those years.
He wept because he wanted in. *I didn’t know I hadn’t really let him in. I had never let anyone in before.* He wept because he wanted to touch me with his grace. He wanted to sit with me and weep with me. He wanted to walk with me and begin to heal me. Then he wanted to speak to me. To tell me who I really am. To tell me what he sees in me. To tell me what I’m worth. To tell me my needs and my longings are good and he wants them to be met. Jesus wept because he wanted my heart and my mess, not my empty actions. Jesus wept because he wanted me to know that I have a voice…that it’s a gift…and that he wants me to use it. Jesus wept because he wanted me to know that he’s given me a mind and the ability to make decisions. He’s given me his Spirit…and he’s given me the ability to listen and to hear from him. He wept because he wanted me to know I can be confident and secure. That I can trust his voice above ALL other voices. Jesus wept because he wanted me to know that I am unique and He’s given me unique gifts and passions and abilities. He wept because he knew I didn’t see myself and my life as significant. Jesus wept because he wanted to heal me, to speak to me, and to call me into an abundant life and a destiny that he had prepared especially for me. Jesus wept because I believed that nothing about me should matter if everything was to be about Him. Jesus wept because I DO matter…because I matter to him more than I could ever imagine.
And THAT…Jesus weeps because he desires THAT for everyone…for everyone that will let him in. Hooooly craaaap. We matter to Jesus.
And YES it’s about his beautiful Kingdom advancing and about us becoming more like Jesus, but that will just HAPPEN when we begin to live into this…to let Jesus in and let him free us to just be US. Because we get to become US and become like Jesus at the same time..with our own unique flava. Cripes, that IS the Kingdom…that IS the gospel. God’s people being freed to be THEMSELVES. To be who he’s meant for us to be all along.