over and over again

No, not the Nelly song (or Tim McGraw, whichever you prefer), though it’s now stuck in my head…I think about it over and over again.  I may as well link it in and you can listen while you read.

Written a few weeks ago…

It’s a season of re-learning for me.  Grace. Rest.  Acceptance.  Healing. Redemption.

I haven’t been writing lately.  I haven’t had the wherewithal.  I’m still not sure I do, but here I am. That seems to be how a period of depression goes.  At least for me.  Eventually I decide to try and do something that has seemed nearly impossible.  At first, it doesn’t get much farther than that…  Than just a thought…an idea.  Eventually I’ll get beyond the thought, not knowing if I’ll be able to complete what I’ve started.

Maybe that’s the beauty of writing in this space.

Today

I started this post a few weeks ago.  I think what I was meaning to say is that in this space, it’s okay if I don’t complete what I’ve started.  No one else is placing expectations on me.  Or maybe they are, but that doesn’t matter, either.  So here we are a few weeks later.  Since then, quite a lot has happened and not much has happened.  My depression has slowly lifted.  I’m beginning to accept that this may be a part of my life.  It may not be, but it may.  I’m learning I don’t need to fear it.  In the darkness it’s so hard to recall what life feels like.  But now, when I begin to taste it again, I find myself wanting to pay closer attention.  I want to savor it.  I want to sit in the beautiful moments.  Etch them in my memory, so that when darkness tries to creep in, I can cling to those moments.  There is always hope.  Always.

I may begin to write more often.  I’ve been chewing on different things, such as love, hypocrisy, freedom, humility, grace, community, and the messiness of life.  Meh, the usual things that never grow old.  And I’ve always got so much to learn.  So much.  I’ve also been doing some dreaming.  Dreaming about the future that is quite a mystery to me.  That’s been fun.  I don’t let myself do that enough… I think it can be a healthy thing.  What do you think?

This weekend I was in my best friend’s wedding.  It was beautiful and emotional.  Marriage is such a sacred and wildly amazing thing, though I can only imagine.  It seems like one of those things that words can’t do justice.

That’s all for now.  Cheers from North Dakota. :)

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2 thoughts on “over and over again”

  1. Its good to write even you keep it to yourself. Writing is a way in which we hash through our thoughts and the things that God is speaking to us about. In our writing He also reveals more things to us filling in the details of an undeveloped thought or idea. I, myself, need to write more. It is good to write about heart matters. That is what is most important to God. If He doesn’t have our heart, everything we do, even in His name, is dead. It reminds me of the song, “Change My Heart O God”. Stay stong and be strengthened!

    1. Thanks Joshua, I’ve been trying to start doing that more again recently, too. It’s when I write like that (I usually type it, because it’s faster and my thoughts are MANY and come out quickly), it’s by far the richest times I have with God and when many things come into the light and begin to make sense. Peace, friend!!

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