hiding from myself, part i

I’ve been using or doing things to distract me or numb me from what’s going on inside of me.
To hide oneself from oneself.  (It’s really a fascinating paradox…that we are able to do this.)  It sometimes takes me a while to realize this is what I’m doing.  There was a time in my life that I had no idea…no idea that I had perhaps done this for years.  But now I know.
I’ve been affected by some things lately…some emotionally wearing things.  It’s generally not about the things…but what the things provoke in me.  What they trigger.  It also takes some time for me to figure that out.  So I attempt to manage the things, trying to create order out of chaos.  But it’s never just about the things.  But what the things surface...and that is what I’d rather not see.  And it really makes sense that I would want to numb or distract myself.  That’s a way of coping and doesn’t have to be a bad thing.  So there is grace..always.  It’s an attempt to protect myself.
But I can no longer rid myself of this desire to finally know what’s going on inside.

Because once I know that something is there…that I’m a being with depth…beautiful depth…that I’m more than the sum of objective stuff floating around on the surface of my life…well then to ignore creates a greater degree of madness inside.  A madness that can ruin me.   An incongruence within myself.  Knowing what’s there, pretending it’s not, losing touch with myself, the world, what’s real.   I can only hide from my own reality…from myself… for so long.

Some would say my definition of reality is illusory…that reality is no more than one’s own perception.  It’s not concrete…not even real, in a universal sense.  Only as real as it is for the perceiver.  But here, I am talking about what I know to be reality within myself, and that comes down to the raw emotions…the feelings I’m experiencing…in the present…at any given moment.  That is my reality…it’s what’s real for me right now.

If I continue to hide…to live in this shallow place on the surface… this place becomes infinitely darker than that which is below.  Apathy, numbness, no pain, but no joy.  So once again, I’ll dive in deeper.  Because I know this darkness and I must escape, even if it means diving into what feels like more darkness.  I confront what’s real…what’s deep inside.  I sit in it.  I feel it.  I may run, but I’ll return.  For I will never experience any amount of light in the deep place inside if I never approach it…allowing what is there to be realized.  Light cannot touch that which I keep hidden.  So I will face it.  Sit in it.  Feel it.

 This is what it is to be in touch with myself.  For mind, body, and spirit to find beautiful harmony rather than disunity.  And even when it’s painful, something settles within.  No more pretending, no more acting, lying to myself.  I surrender to that which is real inside.  And to know and touch and encounter what is real is to drink deeply of life.

I think I’ll maybe write about hiding from others and God, too.


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